That switch

“Bas ho gaya na yaar.  was, yes, was blown. Now? You need to come out of it now. If you want to progress further with this. You have to work on yourself and be good again. Do you want to be better?”

That’s when I switched off my phone. Because that’s how I can shut people off. But I can’t switch my brain off right? The thoughts starts creeping in. I get a cup of coffee and take my medicine. For a person who is dealing with two demons at the same time (accute anxiety and depression), everyday is like lifting heavy weights, running, mountain biking, bunjee jumping, swimming, sky diving, falling off a cliff…etc, MENTALLY. While the person sits in one place the whole day (office desk) and the remaining time in bed not wanting to get up ever again. This is everyday for me.

Depression is not caring about anything at all, and anxiety is caring too much. And having both, ironically, is a nightmare. For me, my mind is split into two halves. The anxiety half worries constantly about every aspect of my life (from health, image, to relationships) where the other half is too exhausted and worn down to do much about it. like covering your face with some kind of invisible mask. I have to show other people that I’m fine, completely functional and capable of finishing all the tasks, while the reality is I’m completely a vulnerable person who sometimes has to lock herself in a [bathroom] just to make sure the mask she wears doesn’t break loose and expose her true self.

I have three kinds of people around me. There are friends who have stopped talking to me because they think I have an ‘attitude’ problem. Because I take them for granted. Because I cancel the meetings and don’t turn up. Fair enough. They don’t know therefore I don’t blame them. Then there are the ones who know about the struggle and keep telling to ‘be happy’, ‘get out of it’, ‘don’t let your anxiety push people away’, ‘Can I be frank with you, don’t feel bad but’…..and the likes. The third ones are the best. They respect my silence, they respect my isolation and most importantly they UNDERSTAND. I don’t have to explain them every damn time that I can’t function right now. Just. It’s like you’re a living paradox; you feel both too much and nothing, you’re exhausted and high strung. And the worst part is both sides tell you no one else cares or needs to know.

Not only am I fighting with mental illness, but my mental illnesses are fighting with each other. My anxiety and depression fight over who gets to control me, so I have to battle two armies that are battling each other. If you ask me how I feel everyday? Well its something like my everyday is a Monday. It’s exhausting to the point where I just don’t want to open my eyes, don’t want to talk to anyone but be with someone at the same time. I want to stay in the bed but want to go out and breathe fresh air at the same time.

It’s a living paradox. Constantly being held back from things you really do want to do.

It’s not a switch that I can turn on or off. It’s beyond my control most of the times. And when you see me happy, enjoying the parties, going out posting happy photos, that means I had managed to put the mask on;

 

 

 

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “That switch

  1. Hey! Hi there.
    It feels so good to know that someone understands. I read your post on Facebook and i just thought “god.… she knows how it feels”.
    you could be my soulmate, my god! I’m 21 and i have been suffering from anxiety and depression for like, 4 years now. 2 years back i was diagnosed with hypomania.
    I will be heading to the shrink again, in a month’s time, cuz my parents think i’m losing my mind, the hell.
    I’m just really glad that i’m not alone. Thank you so much for writing this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are welcome 🙂
      Please do seek professional help. More power and love to you. All the best!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this. Thanks for writing this. Doesn’t feel so lonely anymore 😊. Great job please do keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So nice of you that you decided to be public about it, as someone who had done the same thing recently I know what it feels like, hope you get better soon

    Like

  4. Some one shared your post via fb. To be honest, I came here just to read how other person in depression feels.
    I am also on the same boat of depression.
    Maybe someday people around us would understand that we aren’t looking for a solution.
    May be just some moments of peace with them.
    Learnt today to Understand. That’s the word.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey I went through the same phase but I am totally Recovered .. We just need to Revisit our past , Embrace the hurts/Wounds .. .Accept yourself , Forgive yourself , And Observe what had depression led to .. Nothing … Life Is Amazing .. Believing that we we can overcome Depression 🙂 is the best thing

      Like

  5. Hi there! Reading this felt like someone pulled the feelings right out of me and put it in words. I’ve been fighting the same demons for over three years now, and well, taking care of similar broken creatures I come across. Feel free to connect if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, or maybe better still, to provide you silent company 🙂

    Like

  6. Read your post late in the night and just kept thinking of you. Been through all that you say.I could never express and tell anyone about it. Admire your courage and resilience. God bless, hoping for happier times soon.

    Like

  7. Reblogged this on Shades of Sunrise and commented:
    Exactly what a person goes through while battling depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, its a taboo to speak about it. Even educated people don’t consider ‘mental illness’ a real thing.

    Its not easy to talk let alone blog about it and let the world know what it feel like. It requires bravery and courage. Apnavi, has beautifully described everything. More power to her!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: That switch | SEO
  9. Reblogged this on inksfallblog and commented:
    She said things some of us couldn’t.

    Like

  10. Deserts are far
    so it’s no use crying
    You can’t tell
    if you are numb or trying
    Living in fear
    and thirsting for dying
    You have to make it through the dark.

    Trying to make out
    what’s spent and what’s lazy
    Eyes are tired and
    everything is hazy
    One more second
    and you’ll go crazy
    You have to make it through the dark.

    In the ply coops
    your neighbourhood slaving
    Scared we’ll never ever
    fulfil our craving
    This night’s poetry
    will be last night’s raving
    You have to make it through the dark.

    You haven’t learnt well
    how to beg, steal or borrow
    It’s too dim in here
    to tell joy from sorrow
    And you know it won’t be
    a new day tomorrow
    They’ll have you make it through the dark.

    Like

  11. I couldn’t help but smile through what you’ve written. I know exactly what you are talking about. I hope we find our way and stop our demons for good. Great work.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hey…Thanks…Just thanks…
    Thanks to your post on Facebook that I gotta know that I’m not alone. That someone out there is feeling exactly the way I am.
    Though not so seriouslike you, but feels really really bad at times. I know the reasons for my depression. And am trying to change the situations where I don’t have to face them on everyday basis, which is happening these days. I’m sure to change those, till then it’s just a fight.
    Thanks a lot yaar…Thanks…Can’t say much…

    Like

  13. I’m from Delhi and my best friend is suffering from same. She’s just 20 and when I read your blog it felt like I’m reading her story. If anyone or you can share the name and contact details of the psychologist who treated you or is capable of treating such ailments, I’ll be really really grateful.

    Like

  14. Hey there! I don’t have words to express how in awe I am to be reading something so personal and real. It gave me goosebumps. I commend you for the fact that you bared your soul on a public platform and did it so eloquently. Keep up the good work!

    Like

  15. Going through your article, and to be totally fair, not being able to grasp or remember what I read three lines before, but somehow just going through, I felt the strangest of connections with you. I am going through the same for almost 3 years now. I just started seeking for professional and social help, though it’s so hard and you are right. It’s a constant battle. For me, I spent a good 2 years of my college life shut inside my room, devoid of human contact, just laying on bed, fighting the urges, hopelessness, addiction and facing the constant self loathing and destructive criticism from all the people I let down. You try to fight back, but after a while, it’s just that going down’s much easier than doing what you love. And soon, without you realizing, you are adrift in a boat in the middle of a fucking ocean with no idea of who you are, where you are and why are you there! Thank you for sharing, it gave me peace and tranquility to have an opportunity to share myself with someone who just might understand the whirlpool of destruction in my head. May you have a good healthy life ahead!

    Like

  16. Hey! I came across your post just today and I’m like wow! I’m not alone. Do you mind telling me what helped you get better? Also, I appreciate you coming off. It’s a big thing if you ask me. Xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close