“Bas ho gaya na yaar. was, yes, was blown. Now? You need to come out of it now. If you want to progress further with this. You have to work on yourself and be good again. Do you want to be better?”
That’s when I switched off my phone. Because that’s how I can shut people off. But I can’t switch my brain off right? The thoughts starts creeping in. I get a cup of coffee and take my medicine. For a person who is dealing with two demons at the same time (accute anxiety and depression), everyday is like lifting heavy weights, running, mountain biking, bunjee jumping, swimming, sky diving, falling off a cliff…etc, MENTALLY. While the person sits in one place the whole day (office desk) and the remaining time in bed not wanting to get up ever again. This is everyday for me.
Depression is not caring about anything at all, and anxiety is caring too much. And having both, ironically, is a nightmare. For me, my mind is split into two halves. The anxiety half worries constantly about every aspect of my life (from health, image, to relationships) where the other half is too exhausted and worn down to do much about it. like covering your face with some kind of invisible mask. I have to show other people that I’m fine, completely functional and capable of finishing all the tasks, while the reality is I’m completely a vulnerable person who sometimes has to lock herself in a [bathroom] just to make sure the mask she wears doesn’t break loose and expose her true self.
I have three kinds of people around me. There are friends who have stopped talking to me because they think I have an ‘attitude’ problem. Because I take them for granted. Because I cancel the meetings and don’t turn up. Fair enough. They don’t know therefore I don’t blame them. Then there are the ones who know about the struggle and keep telling to ‘be happy’, ‘get out of it’, ‘don’t let your anxiety push people away’, ‘Can I be frank with you, don’t feel bad but’…..and the likes. The third ones are the best. They respect my silence, they respect my isolation and most importantly they UNDERSTAND. I don’t have to explain them every damn time that I can’t function right now. Just. It’s like you’re a living paradox; you feel both too much and nothing, you’re exhausted and high strung. And the worst part is both sides tell you no one else cares or needs to know.
Not only am I fighting with mental illness, but my mental illnesses are fighting with each other. My anxiety and depression fight over who gets to control me, so I have to battle two armies that are battling each other. If you ask me how I feel everyday? Well its something like my everyday is a Monday. It’s exhausting to the point where I just don’t want to open my eyes, don’t want to talk to anyone but be with someone at the same time. I want to stay in the bed but want to go out and breathe fresh air at the same time.
It’s a living paradox. Constantly being held back from things you really do want to do.
It’s not a switch that I can turn on or off. It’s beyond my control most of the times. And when you see me happy, enjoying the parties, going out posting happy photos, that means I had managed to put the mask on;